Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
