Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
