if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
