I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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