I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
