Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
