Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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