He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
