Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We need to get me chipped asap
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
