i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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