Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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