: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
