Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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