According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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