We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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