how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
