I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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