i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize