He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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