Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
