we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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