No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
