I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
