Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
