I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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