Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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