You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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