I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
