I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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