Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
