it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
