he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
