mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
