i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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