If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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