why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
