She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize