the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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