Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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