You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
