If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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