I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
