I must be too annoying 4 u.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
