Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize