Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
