did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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