I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
where are you?
Hypothermia
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
