the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
