Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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