I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
