I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
