Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
