I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
