Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
