tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
