Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
