hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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