@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
