There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
