So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
