Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
