I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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